What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 03:21
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I don,t even have a pension.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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We were not on the streets..
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was in good health!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What happens when you get sick in a country with universal healthcare? What's the process like?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I will be 64.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My life is so biszare .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ive learnt so much.
I said to her
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He knew the spot.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was seconnd youngest,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.